we broke up at this exact time, im writing this entry a day after it happened. I tend to find that I return to this diary whenever something bad happens in my life, I've not written about her here yet and I wish to do so. Her name is Denn, Maridenn. I loved her, I really did.

"Was it worth it to be happy for a little bit even though it ended up sad? Or would it have been better if the whole thing never happened?"

I really enjoyed my time with her, but I guess it wasn't the same for her I guess I wasnt her "person" the one who she could trust, the one she could rely on. She said she didn't feel anything, she said "I tried to find the feeling but there still none", "you did meant sth but I dont feel anymore".

She never felt anything in the first place, while I felt everything. She was my everything.

"Please don’t think that your not enough your presence in my life is not bad this is not about you but about the relationship and I can’t just lie and make you feel good and stay in a relationship that I feel nth and I’m not acting like you never existed to me because you did"

maybe i needed too much, maybe if i didnt love her as much as i did i would still be with her. but whats the point of that relationship build on a facade, a relationship built on lies.

how am i supposed to move on now, how can i let someone else have what I had. Everything that she told me, the things we were gonna do together the food she likes, her favorite color, her hobbies and her flaws.

especially her flaws, i want to be there so we can work this out together

but i cant

im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry

denn, if you ever find this diary, if you ever find this proof of my existence just know that during the almost two months we were together, I was happy truly happy. You were the source of my happiness, the sun to my icarus, in a crowd of billions you shined the brightest.

yet, I cant be that guy, that guy who makes you feel, that person who you want, im sorry i came into your life, im sorry I ever tried, im sorry i came back again after you rejected me the first time, i shouldve just stayed away. and now what is there left but for me to live, live knowing i had something as good as you, and i let it go you made me let it go. You only seemed to care when my suicidal tendencies showed up, other than that it seems like I never mattered like I was nothing just another person that comes and goes in your life, the life you told me all about.

WHY CANT WE JUST BE TOGETHER?

please dont let me go so easily, i still have things i want to talk to you about, we had plans to go places together and now

and now nothing.

why do i try so hard every day!? it is because you are there.

just like how the narrator calls out for nastenka, everyday he waits, everyday nastenka is his source of happiness in an otherwise mundane life.

i didnt want you to just be another entry in this journal, the people i've met in the past we're all worse than you, they couldnt hold a candle to what you are able to do. to who you are.

how can i find someone else when all i know is you, when all i want is you, when all i think about is you, how am i supposed to move on and ask

"hey whats your favorite color" erm green, when i know yours is blue

"what do you like to eat?" beef and korean food!, when i know you love fries the most, when i know you love chocolate the most, when i know you liked fried chicken the most when i know that your palette is just like a child when i know that you dont drink enough water

who is supposed to tell me goodnight now, you were my alarm clock. I was excited to wake up everyday because of you, and now I wake up and i have to force a smile, hold in my tears because how can i cry in public how can i let these emotions get in the way when im supposed to be so "great" when im supposed to be the "best"

who will tell you to put on the scar removal now? who will tell you to drink enough water, i guess these is just the past now

they say to live in the present but how can i continue to live when all i want is a present with you, a future with you. i want to hold your hand more, when you ask me if i wanted it to last and when i asked you if you wanted it to last was it all meaningless

"Denn, [8/17/25 2:53 PM] It’s not a lie as at that time I thought I would be able to feel it but I tried and it didn’t

Denn, [8/17/25 2:57 PM] I told you I felt nth

Denn, [8/17/25 2:57 PM] I tried to find the feeling but there still none"

please dont let someone else have what I cant, if you tell me to change completely i will, i will forgo every sense of self identity for this. Would I trade all the knowledge and understanding to be loved back just a little? please

please

please

im sorry

im sorry

"Sliden, [8/17/25 3:00 PM] Anymore? I was just something new to you right

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:00 PM] I know it's pointless to keep asking

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:00 PM] But fuck

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:00 PM] I can't stop crying

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:00 PM] Just know you deserved all of the love I gave you

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:00 PM] Even though u couldn't feel it

Denn, [8/17/25 3:02 PM] thank you for all of it

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:03 PM] If I crashed my bike and died

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:03 PM] I think you would be one of my last memories

Denn, [8/17/25 3:03 PM] WHAT

Denn, [8/17/25 3:03 PM] YOU SHOULDN'T

Denn, [8/17/25 3:03 PM] dude

Denn, [8/17/25 3:04 PM] dont

Denn, [8/17/25 3:04 PM] Y are you doing this to yourself"

WHO IS SUPPOSED TO TELL ME TO DRIVE SAFE NOW, WHO IS SUPPOSED TO CARE WHEN IM NOT OKAY EMOTIONALLY when im just another person to you, was none of it ever real

why are you trying to be the antagonist, IM THE ANTAGONIST IM SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD AND YET IT IS THE OPPOSITE

"Denn, [8/17/25 3:05 PM] just think of me as a villain who destroyed everything or sth

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:05 PM] I CANT

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:05 PM] i wish i could"

"Denn, [8/17/25 3:07 PM] don't think about hurting yourself dude

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:07 PM] I DOTN THINK ABOUT IT

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:07 PM] IT JUST HAPPENS

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:07 PM] YOU SAY IT LIKE YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:07 PM] do you think i want to cry

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:07 PM] do you think i want to feel this way

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:08 PM] do you think i wanted to love you as much as i did

Sliden, [8/17/25 3:08 PM] if i had control over my emotions WHY WOULD I BE TEXTING YOU LIKE THIS"

do you think i wanted to love you as much as i did

why did i love her so much knowing I will get hurt, knowing it will all be for naught.

"Sliden, [8/17/25 3:10 PM] im sorry only when the possibility of me not being there any more that makes you care

Denn, [8/17/25 3:10 PM] I hope you'll be able to find closure and move on from this from the bottom of my heart thank you for everythings

Denn, [8/17/25 3:10 PM] I think we both need help"

when you say thank you for everything, what did i mean to you, what was i, give me something to prove myself, i dont want THIS I DONT WANT THIS I DONT WANT TO WAKE UP TOMORROW KNOWING YOU WONT BE MINE KNOWING YOU ARE NOT THERE FOR ME ANYMORE

i last updated this 233d ago

i wanted to love you more, i still had more love to give you, i guess its my fault, if i wasnt happy alone why was i so happy with you and now im not happy again

from strangers to something to strangers again, what a strange feeling, why must i cry when i know logically this had to happen but i still feel these i still have to do go thru and journal and write this down

if i never said the word break up then would we have been ok? if i wasnt so clingy if i didnt do so much to hurt you if i wasnt such a burden if i wasnt such a fucking dumbass if i was better if i was handsomer if i physically am better if i was cooler

im always the fucking problem it would be better if i just fucking killed myself

if i killed myself i wouldnt have to think about any of this shit any more

read so much fucking philosophy and now i still have suicidal tendencies so fucking absurd how can i move on from you Denn. you were my everything

denn. i loved you why did you have to go why why

i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed i failed

i failed to be a better person i failed to be some one capable of making you feel, at the end of the day i can only blame myself for feeling like shit when i know that at one point you tried to feel and it didnt work

"Sliden, [8/17/25 10:40 PM] who is supposed to say goodnight to me now

Sliden, [8/17/25 10:40 PM] who is supposed to tell you not to forget to use the scar removal

Sliden, [8/17/25 10:40 PM] to take care of yourself

Sliden, [8/17/25 10:40 PM] and now i have to wake up tomorrow

Sliden, [8/17/25 10:40 PM] and endure the possibility of seeing you

Sliden, [8/17/25 10:40 PM] and i cant deal with that"

even as im writing this im venting to you in hopes maybe you'll hate me, and if you hated me maybe i'll feel better since i'm supposed to be the villian the one who ruins every thing never one to help just a fucking retard i never wanted it to be this way, it couldve ended a lot earlier you couldve ended it a lot earlier you knew you were never gonna feel anything

nothing i can say will fix it, nothing i can do will fix it since you dont want it, you never wanted it

why cant every thing be like a math problem, if i cant solve it its only because of my own incompetency, this is why i find such beaut in mathematics.

its not women, its you i want you denn, and now that ive had it

how am i supposed to go without it

like oxygen you sustained me they asked you seem a lot happier

it was thanks to you

did i not make you happy at least once?

can i not do it again?

why why why why why

you want to blame it on your personality type, blame it on your psychopathic tendencies, you want to be special so fucking bad dont you, maybe if i kill myself maybe then youll finally fucking feel somethng

"thanks for everything"

how about thanks for nothing you were my everything

and now you're just supposed to be nothing to me?

make it make sense

when you called me babe that one time i thought it was the start of many, but now i know itll be the only time

when we have our break up date, will i cry too? will i cry again knowing that i couldve had you and now im supposed to live the rest of my life without you?

this one can of sapporo ran out so i wont type anymore

i loved you denn.

not knowing what it would've done to me.

i cant i cant do this how am i supposed to face you i cried to sleep i cried in front of my friends today i held my tears in class today i forgot about you for a moment and it all came back when i got home and the tears wouldnt stop it just wouldnt and even now as i type this

im just a chill guy

big happy things! got a new mt-07 got 100% scholarship for uni, many good things,,,,!!! this is trhe part where lain smiles like a creep, too much negativity is not good for anyone's health

almost another year its been almost 2 years since ive started writing this, many more to come, someone will find this legacy

'who cares where i am in this line in order for me to be me...'

you ever just open your diary to write down all the negative emotions and you just see

< Your present plans will be successful. >

man i really thought it would work out, guess shes way outta my league

• i meet someone new

• we start talking

• they realize im lain iwakura

• they leave

cycle starts again and again and again

i dont want to blame anyone but myself.

yeah i knew it was too good to be true anyways, i said this like 2 entries ago so i predicted this lolll

let thought end.

when you see a car, when you see a beautiful woman, first you SEE one of the senses, then thought comes. before thought we enjoy, introduce thought and thats when mischief starts.

why cant i just appreciate the beauty of it without interfering...

well lets start practicing buddhism for real this time.

eight fold path time gang

• Right view
• Right resolve
• Right speech
• Right action
• Right livelihood
• Right effort
• Right mindfulness
• Right samadhi (meditation?)

i will be liberated, one day

"But to fall in love does not mean to love. One can fall in love and still hate."

i vow to never read dostoevsky again, why do people romanticize this fella. i dont understand

i turned 18 already

why am i insecure? a deep dive analysis and case study.

"—there is nothing so offensive to a man of our time and race than to be told that he is wanting in originality, that he is weak in character, has no particular talent, and is, in short, an ordinary person."

am i too mediocre to understand myself? what is the use of reading all this philosophy when it can't be applied on myself

i dont really talk to her when we're at school, we've had 1 conversation

on monday i was kinda breaking down mentally, but i think im ok now

actually when i really do some self inquiry on my problems they all lead back to myself

why did i feel anxious, convo started talking about someone else relationship, brings up talking stages, she brings up someone else's 3-4 year talking stage or whatever, them kissing and stuff, says shes done that before.

this is where my "personal" line was crossed or so i tell myself, because in truth i was actually probably feeling jealousy(?) but i tried to justify it by saying something about pure girls or something

so why was i really anxious about her being in talking stages in the past, what does anxious really mean

anxious: "feeling or showing worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome."

what outcome am i hoping for? maybe like i was just deluding myself into thinking huh girls r all like pure n shit, (fuck u dostoevsky)

but its actually probably related to my last "talking stage" where i just cant fucking handle it anymore, friend said something about psychopathic tendencies of like wanting them but not being committed? wtf im not the one who doesnt want to commit, if i wasnt willing to commit i wouldnt be so fucking vulnerable

why is it ok for me to be ok with myself talking with girls in the past but its not ok for me to be okay with her talking to other guys

i must remind myself that dating/talking stages r like frequent things that teens do, im not mature enough to contemplate that the people around me dont hoe around or whatever

i dont know them, they live in my memory as just the experiences of my interactions everything i do lives on assumption and generation of new ways to solve a problem, because im committed to logic so i must use interpolation to figure out what they have done or whatever which is so fucking stupid cus thats literally not how humans r

so now im anxious cus i walked out on my past talking stage, im gonna keep this short and inquire it somewhat half ass

• i was tired of her inconsistency
• why tired?
• cus im used to stuff working in a system
• why r u used to that
• cus i glorify maths and proofs and logic and have no actual personality
• why do i glorify maths and logic
• bcuz i feel like thats the only way to fix my life full of inconsitencies
• why?
• logic and maths will surely eliminate the insecurities that i have in my personal life if i objectify everything i do
• why am i insecure if i dont do that
• because i dont like how other people's action can affect me
• why do other people actions affect me
• tfw it doesn't why the fuck do i care cus "we're not dating"
• im just an avoidant person
• why am i an avoidant person
• because it brings me displeasure to face problems that i cant solve
• why?
• its like a thorn by my side everywhere i go
• why?
• i cant leave unsolved problems alone without solving
• thats not avoidant?
• yeah ur right, then why?
• because im insecure right? well we already established that, we want to know why ur insecure
• its because of my physicals and mentals no?
• whats so bad about those characteristics? how many versions of me exists in other people's mind?
• well they portray me as a different person to who i want them to see me as
• why do u think that your own image in their mind is more important than the you that exists
• well because thats how they know me? thats how i know people as well, its only thru interactions and memories
• why is it important that they know u
• because i want to build a meaningful relationship with them?
• why?
• so i can love
• but what is love? do i even really know what love is?
• a tree provides us shade and fruits yet it doesnt love us, still i will care for the tree
• can i really love a person like this? like its a market expecting something back
• why cant i love without expecting anything back?
• because i have never known what love is
• i have never felt affection from another human being aside from my relatives
• i have never seen the sunshine during mid night
• i am a spiteful man
• this is a warning to me
• im self destructive
• thats what i am
• thats why im thinking these thoughts
• its not something grand, i just have self destructive tendencies

so theres that, we found the cause im self destructive its like i want myself to fail

can a person be so self loathing as to hate looking at oneself in the mirror?

YES THAT PERSON IS ME

how the fuck am i supposed to love other people if i can even love myself, what the fuck is this front i am putting up for everyone else what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

my brain isnt built to handle this thing.

"talking stages" maybe DEVELOP YOUR FUCKING FRONTAL LOBE, i hate that fucking phrase so much im literally gonna punch my wall, what the fuck is this "talking stage" u just talk? THATS CALLED BEING FRIENDS WHAAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, you just have no committment(ok not the current person but whatever).

that concept is stupid, stupid stupid stupid

ok tldr im insecure about her kissing other guys in the past, andddd im self destructive, if this happens one or two more times i might end up losing it lol

for now we put up a front cus thats what we are the best at doing.

ok we r good now idk why i was kinda freaking out yesterday, ill try to talk to her at school tomorrow soooo yeah i hope she kinda has some form of interest idk man all good.

fun "date", superrrrr cute girl. why and how did this happen!?

• have crush on girl
• follow her on insta
• she texts me first ?? first reaction, wtf does she want. am i already cooked!?
• something about khmer documents and copying, asking if i knew anything on how to copy them or something
• honest.jpg, actually finishes it in the first few days but kept running into this one problem deploying it
• text about stuff, she plays badminton so we see each other at the court
• shes actually really cool
• send her finished thing
• ask if shes free on x day as a joke actually, maybe coffee or something
• she made plans for badminton, i go
• asks her to lmk when shes free
• maybe sunday? wtf.jpg i didnt think she was srs
• went to like a cool mall tgt, got like drinks and played uno and went to the arcade, shes wayyy stronger than me, idk fun date in general. shes really cute.

So why?! after allat, why the fuck do i still feel like shit!? "I am a sick man. ... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man"

is this all in my mind?

does she feel obligated to go?

just say no

why am i even blaming her i should be blaming myself.

is life just a series of binary choices that i absolutely have to make

why why why why why why why!?

why the fuck do i let myself be vulnerable over and over again

am i missing something? is there something obvious that i missed!?

"My female classmate, who's popular even at school. The fact that I'm meeting her on a weekend is nothing short of a love comedy"

what the fuck am i even thinking? how could she even be slightly interested in someone who is a NEET like me

dont u hate it when they're active and yet they dont see ur responses? what the fuck is up with that

good thing theres 0 chance she or anyone she knows is seeing this fucking diary ever in their lifetime.

its only been 1 day.

i wish it was real, but im probably ok with it not being real. im already used to that, what im not used to is the former.

bit of a long entry today but i hope i can re read this in a year and laugh it off.

I did the arduino countdown thing I said I would do, I removed some unnecessary countdowns tho, not important in my life I guess. Here it is https://github.com/Sliden101/Arduino. I bought a RTC so I want to implement that later, for now using a silly hack.